The covey flushed. A whir of wings and a cloud of Valley Quail rose from the scrub oak into the clear and bright October sky. The shotgun raised instinctively and with a crack of the muzzle, one of the plump quail descended in a long arch back down to earth. Marking where the bird landed, you make your way up the hill where your prize lies.

You smell him before you even see him. Not the quail, weirdo. Him.

Crossing over the horizon stands a figure. The sun is shining behind him, giving him a celestial aura. The bearded figure tilts his wide-brim fedora-wearing head up and sticks a pipe between his lips. The aroma of bespoke beard oil and pomade fills the valley as you look in awe.

“How many coveys did you bump today?”

His dog sits beside him. A Drahthaar named Jaeger. No electronics on this dog. Only a locater bell.

He rolls up the sleeves of his plaid shirt, revealing fully tattooed arms. Carefully cradling his 28-gauge side by side shotgun, he strikes a match with his thumb and lights his pipe. He fiddles with his flush-counter, adjusting the counter.

“That’s 15 flushes for me. I already got my limit, but I enjoy watching my dog work those coveys. Plus I like taking as many photos as I can out here. Say, do you like IPA’s? Because I have a couple back at my Subaru.”

Could this be? Is this..? Yes! You just encountered your first Hip-Uplander.

__________

 

You may have read all those articles about becoming an upland hunter. But do you know how to become the hippest of the hip-uplanders? Don’t answer that. A real hip-uplander never openly acknowledges that they are trying to be a hip-uplander. That’s the first rule of being a hip-uplander. So, hang on… grab your craft beer, Latakia for your pipe and make sure no-one is looking over your shoulder. It’s time to learn how to be a hip-uplander.

What is an Hip-Uplander? Why do you want to be one?

A hip-uplander is a guy or a gal who has a love passion for upland hunting with an emphasis on preserving traditional upland trends and fashions. Often (wrongly) thought of as know-it-alls, pretentious and trendy, they value authenticity in their unique upland experiences by avoiding mainstream hunting culture and upholding a standard of hunting ethics and beliefs long forgotten.

One may become a hip-uplander in retaliation of the stereotypes and images that modern-day hunters are often labeled as. Most hip-uplanders identify as thoughtful and conservation-minded individuals, seeking to preserve a hunting culture that is rapidly disappearing. They are stewards of knowledge, tradition, conservation, and classic guns!

Despite all the positive things they stand for, they are at odds with their peers. For some reason, people dis’ on hip-uplanders. But they take all the hate, negative comments, and trash talk in stride. And do I dare say it? It only empowers them. They want to be contrary to what the haters consider the norm. The hate feeds them and they are only growing in number. The more the haters talk, the more the hip-uplanders appear. They live for the uplands and to be different. They are not going anywhere.

The call of the hip-uplander is appealing to many. Some deny it. But deep down, they want to be a part of this (maybe you are already one and just don’t know it). Do you want to be cool? Do you want to be the talk of the town? Do you want to be hip? Here’s how you can be a Hip-Uplander…

What to wear

First thing is first. You gotta look the part. What a hip-uplander wears is what sets them apart from the rest of the rabble in the uplands. It has to be fashionable and functional. Looking good while tromping through the uplands with a few birds in the vest is what it is all about for a hip-uplander.

Plaid is the main identifier for any hip uplander. It’s a uniform. Don’t confuse that with conformity, however. Every plaid pattern is unique like a fingerprint. Plaid shirts procured from a thrift store are especially hip.

A Stormy Kromer or an upland-fedora is the preferred cover for a hip-uplanders well-groomed head.

Anything Filson, Orvis, or LL Bean is acceptable to wear. These brands scream, “I am a serious hip-uplander” and should only be worn if you are completely confident in your hip-uplander persona.

Red Wings or Russel Mocassin boots are perfect for that hip-uplander who spends the weekend chasing birds and the occasional visit to Whole Foods.

Try your hardest to become a “Pro-Staffer”. This typically goes against what the hip-uplander stands for… but hey, it’s free stuff. And you can call yourself a “Pro-Staffer” and put that on your resume.

Hair should be groomed and fashionably styled with pomade in the same style that your grandpa used to rock. Sharing the same hairstyle as your forefathers keep the hip-uplander rooted in tradition. Buns are okay as long as they fit under a Stormy Kromer.

Beards. Mandatory. Lots of beard oil required.

Shotgun

Although most classic American shotguns are (begrudgingly) acceptable, there is only one correct gauge and configuration.

28 gauge. Side by side.

16 gauge is okay. 20 gauge is alright. 12 gauge? Don’t bother. So un-hip.

AH Fox, Parker and Uncle Dan Lefever’s are the only shotguns you should ever want to take out into the field (you are an alpha hip-uplander if you sport one of these brands). Extra points for straight English stocks and youth dimensions.

Gear

Keeping up with tradition, most of your gear should be vintage pieces from the early 1900’s to the 1980’s. Instead of a modern flashlight or LED camping lamps, consider kerosene lamps. The older the gear and harder to maintain, the better. Hunting and camping should not be cozy, comfortable or convenient. Make Aldo Leopold proud!

Your vehicle ideally should be a vintage Toyota Land Cruiser or Range Rover Defender. A more modern Subaru Crosstrek is acceptable because Subaru is awesome and they love the environment and the outdoors just as much as you do!

A pipe is an absolutely necessary piece of gear for a hip-uplander. Even if you do not smoke, it must at least be present for photo ops.

The Birds

Whatever you hunt, stick to it. Hunt only that species and never deviate. That species is it. That is the King of the Uplands. Everyone else is wrong and you must take this to the comment section and defend your king with vicious intent.

Get involved with habitat work to show your pride for your preferred gamebird. This only solidifies your position as a hip-uplander and publicly allows you to say “habitat” a million times in any conversation with no real context, but no one will question you because you’re hip. You can also help install “guzzlers” as habitat work. This illusion allows you a place to easily locate and hunt birds that are attracted to the water at a later time! Genius!

Dog

If you can rescue and rehabilitate a Pudelpointer or a Labrador, more power to you! Rescues are so hip right now. But the discerning hip-uplander might want to consider the versatile breed – Deutsch Drahthaar. And don’t let anyone call it anything else other than a Drahthaar. All other nomenclature is incorrect. The ‘Draht’ is so versatile that you can practice yearlong with them on the neighborhood cats. You must also become fluent in German for all your commands for authenticity. In Ordnung?

All other breeds are for common-folk who drive Chevy pickup trucks, wear camo to weddings and shop for black licorice at Bass Pro Shop. Again. Defend this in the comments section with zero remorse. Take no prisoners.

If you are feeling frisky and extra hip, why not try hunting without a dog? Confuse the heck out of the other upland hunters and show them how dumb they are for spending thousands of dollars on a dog. How hip is that?

Culture

A hip-uplander is well versed in hip literature. How else can you waft your air of sophistication when you pull up by those un-read degenerates with their camo and semi-autos? Pound them with knowledge, cleverness and your superiority complex by quoting the greats like Ruark and Harrison! The Old Man and The Boy, Legends of the Fall and A Sand County Almanac are all must-reads for any hip-uplander. You must read these again and again until you memorize them word for word.

Casual reading should consist of the Double Gun Journal and Project Upland. A few game-bird cookbooks laden across your coffee table shows just how dedicated you are to the art of upland hunting, even if you never actually use them.

Be creative. Buy a vintage camera and lay across the ground to get that picture of dried grouse poop just right. Post on social media and post often. The algorithm is the social lifeline of any self-respecting hip-uplander. Super zoomed-in images of feathers and birds’ feet get a ton of likes. Never post a limit of birds on the ‘Gram even if you do limit out. Keep those haters guessing. Oh and be sure that your social handles start with “@upland_” otherwise no one will take you seriously!

Write. A lot. And be sure to solicit your writing to all the publications that you read. If you suck at writing, hire a ghostwriter. Music is important when writing creatively. An eclectic playlist of 80’s Punk, Bluegrass, Outlaw Country, and a splash of Tupac, all on vinyl, get the creative juices flowing while you blog it up.

If writing isn’t your thing, start a podcast or blog and talk about bird dogs and nothing else. Everyone loves hearing about the same old bird dog stuff over and again on every upland podcast. Over and over again. Despite hip-uplanders refraining from conformity, podcasts are the exception. It’s like NASCAR. Boring. But every now and then there is a crash, which makes the mundaneness acceptable.

It helps if you are handsome/beautiful/chiseled. No talent? That’s okay. Smile big and flex a little. If you’re ugly, just write! No one has to see your face!

Lastly, drink Pabst Blue Ribbon, Bourbon, eat Sardinian Hare Stew and an occasional vegan meal to keep in shape.

__________

You cannot just become a hip-uplander overnight. It takes dedication. With a little effort. If the stars align. If all falls into place. Perhaps you too can be a hip-uplander. Or maybe. Just maybe. We all have a little bit of that hip-uplander in us anyway.

We are all hip-uplander.

 

April Fools.

God Bless & Happy Hunting.

 

– J.R.

 

This blog expresses the opinion of the author and if you did not notice, was an April Fools joke. Don’t take this one too seriously. I roasted everyone, including myself. All information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. UplandJitsu.com makes no representations as to the accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.